Wish
by All The Good Names Taken
Summary: He wanted to scream. He wanted yell and shout and call and cry for her. But she wouldn't hear him. She would never hear him. Possibly Dark Doctor. Doctor/Rose


**Wish**

The Doctor tinkered with the TARDIS, beeping the sonic-screwdriver and pulling numerous levers, trying everything to wipe his mind clear. Never once had he wanted to forget a companion, not once. They all meant so much to him. But now, now he wanted to abandon every thought of her. Erase completely from his mind and be done with her. To never, ever think of sunshine strands and rose-bud lips. But that was the true curse of the Time Lords. Not eternal life, but never forgetting everything that happened in it. Never forgetting the mistakes you made, the promises you broke, the people you loved...

The Doctor cried in rage and flung the sonic-screwdriver across the room. It clanged against the wall shrilly and the TARDIS moaned in response. "SHUT UP!" The TARDIS fell silent, even its lights died a little. The Doctor breathed heavily, and suddenly realised what he had done. He had shouted, really shouted. No, not shouted. Screamed. He screamed at the TARDIS, his ship, his home. Crying out again he ran his fingers through his hair and gripped onto the strands hard, as though he might be able to pull himself out of his rage. It didn't work. Then, she flashed up again in his mind. Chocolate eyes, small bleached strands falling in front of them. And her voice, so childish and free, yet tied down with her accent. The Doctor gasped and fell backwards against the railings.

He ignored the pain that suddenly shot through his back from the force, and slid down to the floor. His hands still buried in his hair, his head fell down to look at the floor, his elbows resting on his knees. It was _always _Rose. Always Rose that brought back the same feelings:

_Helplessness. Hope. Anger. Love. Pain. Excitement. Loss. Bliss. Hatred..._

The Doctor sobbed. _Hatred_. It was burning inside him. Hatred for The Daleks. _They _caused this. They always did. _They _caused his first regneration. _They _tore himself and Rose apart. And _they_ caused the creation of the other him. The better him. The him that could stay with her forever. The him that could have _his _Rose. The Doctor clenched at his hair, baring his teeth to no one. Suddenly, he screamed.

He yelled loud. Screaming to the sudden emptiness of his ship. The Doctor felt his throat reddening from the strain but he didn's stop. He wanted to scream. He wanted yell and shout and call and cry for her. But she wouldn't hear him. She would _never_ hear him. And him, the other Doctor, he would have Rose forever. Really, there was no difference. That Doctor went through everything he himself had. They both regenerated. They both hugged Rose. Held Rose. Kissed Rose. Even back on Bad Wolf Bay, when Rose kissed the other Doctor, The Doctor could feel her lips on his. Would he feel her touch everytime she held the other Doctor's hand? Would he hear her voice? Feel her lips again?

The Doctor's voice broke as he sobbed. Releasing his hair and letting his arms fall limp, he stared up at the ceiling. The blue lights of the console danced across the roof, jumping and sliding from once shadow to the next. The Doctor closed his eyes. Her face flared up in front of him, burning. She was so beautiful. When he looked at her in the TARDIS, tears dry, the most familiar and comforting smile across her cherry lips, he realised how beautiful she really was.

Did he ever tell her that? He did tell her once, a long time ago. A lifetime. But did she know? Did she know that this him thought she was the most beautiful creation ever? He hoped she did. And even if she didn't, the other Doctor would tell her. Maybe if he thought hard enough, believed, he could tell the other Doctor to say it. To say:

_"Rose Tyler, you are beautiful." _

The Doctor tried to concentrate on that, on that one thought. Tried to send it through Time and Space. Silence. Did it get through? The Doctor gasped. Of course it didn't. That's impossible. And even if it did, how would he know if _he _told her? Would he hear the words in his head? _No! _The Doctor scolded himself. _I'm being ridiculous! None of that is possible! _The Doctor tugged at his tie and loosened it.

"And she is," he said to the silence. He closed his eyes and thought of her. "And she is so, beautiful..." The TARDIS moaned softly to him. He listened quietly. All the anger he had felt had drained away, and was replaced by an unbearable despair. Anguish that squeezed his insides until they hurt.

Tears rolled down his cheeks. She was gone. She really was gone. Regret pooled inside of him, twisted and melting into his grief. He should have swapped with the other Doctor. The other Doctor would have been able to transfer Donna's energy into himself and Donna would have gone home and the other Doctor would die. But that wouldn't matter. Because he, himself, would have Rose. _He _would have been the one holding her hand. _He _would have been the one who recieved the full kiss. _He _would be the one she would spend the rest of her life with him. But that was just it. Rose would live with The Doctor foever, stand by him foever. But she would die. And he would live on and find himself here again. Alone and grieving. The Doctor jumped.

Warmth. A warmth enveloped his hand as though some ghost had grasped it. She was holding _his_ hand. Far away, a world away, Rose Tyler was grasping The Doctor's hand. Little did she know that The Doctor, who was also a world away, felt it. Slowly though, it began to fade. Was she letting go? No. _He _was letting go. The Doctor was beginning to forget her. Beginning to forget the feel of her fingers interlocked with his. Regret stabbed.

"I should have told you," he whiseperd. "I know you knew, but I should have told you." His hand clenched into a fist. "I love you Rose Tyler." She appeared. Standing with black-stained tears on her pale cheeks, sunshine dotted waves behind her. She was smiling broadly, in complete bliss. The Doctor opened his eyes. The image had gone. A telepathic connection maybe? One that allowed him to see what the other Doctor saw. Maybe. He tried again, but it failed.

The Doctor gave up. He relaxed his body and closed his eyes again. He thought about her. Her smile. Her eyes. Her kiss. With her image still fresh in his mind, he said tearfully, his voice crackinh beneath the words.

"Rose, I've finally promised you forever. I just wish it _was _me..."

**Reviews are welcome.**

**-ATGNT**


End file.
